Tell Them They Are Special: What are We Teaching Our Young Queens?

Black womanhood begins as black girlhood, and the seeds we plant in our young queens are the messages that carry them into adulthood. How adulthood turns out has a lot to do with what we’re exposed to in childhood and that’s a screaming fact when it comes to learning to love yourself. To put it simply, if we want to continue this celebration of the beauty of black womanhood - we have to teach the young ones to love themselves and love their sisters, and continue with work that was started by the ones that came before us.

Our elders had to fight harder to be seen and speak a lot louder to be heard but they still reminded us that we matter. They reminded us that we must aspire to appreciate the beauty we see in the mirror - hair, lips and everything! We had that message passed down and now it’s our duty to teach the beautiful young ladies following our lead the same precious lessons about what it means to be a black woman today.

I’ve seen black women ashamed of their skin, aspiring to be lighter or a completely different race. This didn’t happen accidentally. It tells me that the message was poisoned or wasn’t passed down to her all all.

Children are incredibly perceptive and they tend to mimic and internalize before they understand. If they are fed messages of racial self-hate - how can we expect them to become people who love their race? If we teach them that other black girls are competitors and enemies, how does the sisterhood get stronger? It is our duty to actively work on creating an environment where collective #blackgirlmagic can take root and bloom.

One of our followers (s/o @DalieBoo) sent us this message “I think that video about lies we've been told should be the topic of a forum in high schools and colleges, geared towards our beautiful, young Black females.”

Her words express her hope for our young black queens. They need to be taught to shut out the lies they hear and they need to be told that they are special, important and deserving of love. They need to constantly be reminded that they are not second class to any other race, and we need to create films, music, magazines that show this and support brands that preach this message.

The tale of the unloved black girl is as common as it is heartbreaking and it does toxic damage to the self-esteem of young girls with so much potential, and power to shape our tomorrow.

It isn’t just about what we say, we need to wear capes for these girls and show them how capable they are of soaring to reach their dreams without denying their blackness or being ashamed of it. The seeds of who we become are planted in youth and now is the time to put black girls in the position to learn from our successes and our mistakes. Our mission can only be deemed successful once we are able to inspire generations to come, and change the outcome for all black queens.

The Under Appreciated Value of Inter-Generational Conversation

If there’s one thing that isn’t stated enough these days, it’s the importance of listening to our elders and learning from their experiences. Maybe technology has made us feel like all knowledge is accessible with a device connected to the Internet, or maybe we don’t value maturity. Either way, deep and meaningful conversations between generations don’t hold the weight they should, and many opportunities are missed.

The oral tradition cultures of centuries ago gave the young a front row seat to the wisdom of parents and grandparents. We might not sit around fires and have story time with grandma but we still have people available to us who provide perspective and empowering words.

Who do you think you’d be today, if someone older hadn’t dispensed advice, guidance and a warning or two? How many bad decisions were you saved from making because you listened to someone who clearly knew a lot more than you? There is so much value in learning from each other, and even more when we allow our communication to cross the generational lines.

It isn’t one sided either; when intergenerational conversations are encouraged, both sides of the age divide benefit. Young people can teach older generations about a lot more than how to use Instagram. Through our perspectives they can see life through different eyes, and open up to new views on things like careers, gender roles and finding happiness. Through their perspectives we can learn about black womanhood and black manhood, learn how to make better decisions and how to be great examples for the generations that follow.

In whatever form they come, intergenerational conversations are a vast and often underappreciated resource that impact who we become. It is a part of our story that is incredibly important. The four main characters in No Lies Told Then, Sandra, George, Bridget and Johnathan are a perfect representation of important conversations between the generations.

George relied on Johnathan as a confidant, Sandra also learned a great deal from Johnathan’s perspectives and although their relationship wasn’t perfect, Sandra was also enriched through her conversations with her mother. For Sandra, her learning started as a young girl growing up in Harlem, but we get to see the ultimate benefit of everything she learned in the woman she becomes. Though the journey of her life was often bumpy, terrifying and difficult – having the wise words of the people around her aided her navigation. She also provided powerful life lessons to her own mother and it teaches us that no one is ever too old to learn.

Having older and wiser people in our corner makes a difference; if we’re lucky enough to have them we should lean on these relationships. Find a mentor, spend time with your parents, aunts and uncles, soak up the nuggets of their life experience and teach them a few things too! Appreciating these connections means that we too will be appreciated when we slide to the higher side of the great age divide!

Nayla Kidd & The All Too Familiar Need to Escape a Life of Unreasonable Expectations

She left a life that to many was the epitome of success and potential. She changed phone numbers, deleted her Facebook page, switched bank accounts and moved. Is this a woman on the run or an undercover FBI agent? No, it’s an Ivy League student, Nayla Kidd (19) who decided to make a drastic decision to change a life that she simply couldn’t stand to be in anymore.

“I needed to break from my old life of high pressure and unreasonable expectations.” It’s a feeling that’s a lot more common than we’d want to admit, and even though completely switching lives is quite extreme, it’s easy to understand how it can happen and identify with all the pressures that cause it. Society has built life on specific things beauty, perfection, wealth, work and relationships that are framed as common, but aren’t exactly a world view that everyone shares. Being different and wanting different things is seen as a betrayal of that image but the problem is that same image is making so many of us miserable.

For someone whose life appeared so together, Nayla was struggling and she just couldn’t see a way out that didn’t require a huge shift. It’s a shift that’s extreme and obviously outlandish so it makes her seem like an anomaly. While her actions are rare - the feelings and circumstances that it informed them aren’t. It does happen, and it is happening.

There are probably hundreds of thousands of people who find themselves under incredible pressure. They have the world at their feet, plenty going for them - success, beauty, fame, popularity and the trappings of a good life but secretly they drown everyday in pressure, self-doubt and a pain that many don’t see and wouldn’t believe. It’s even worse when you have what everyone sees as the perfect life.

In our work towards creating a fulfilling life, the roads we take can bring us closer to the opposite of who we want to be. Some actions are taken to fit in, and to be what everyone else expects us to be, and the problems begin when these actions make us feel alien to ourselves. At that point what’s the way forward, do we fight or flee? Do we accept that life as is it or do we find ways to fight against it and move against the trap of what everyone else considers inevitable?

I’d imagine that this is what Nayla thought about as she woke up morning after morning, inching closer to her greatest fears. A life of high pressure comes in many forms – from intelligence, to physical perfection and wealth, it’s easy to become trapped in the image of success that’s expected instead of working our way towards our own interpretation of it.

It’s a struggle we see Sandra fight in “No Lies Told Then” and hopefully it’s one we see her win by finding and writing her own truth. The best outcome is to never have to run away or be assumed missing by our loved ones. The best way it can turn out is to discover where you need to be without having to change phone numbers and bank accounts.

Are You Living on Unreasonable Expectations: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Happy people don’t have to ask if they are happy, it’s just a state of mind that exists freely. If you find yourself feeling like happiness is far away that’s not a good sign.

2. Does it feel like it takes a huge amount of effort to get you through one day? It’s often the constant feeling of carrying a load that’s too heavy or failing to find joy or satisfaction in anything. This suggests that you’re not living a life that represents your own personal truth.

3. Do you feel like your life is more about meeting milestones that are seen as successful by other people? True success comes from fulfilling a path that’s defined by your own ideas, perspectives and the things that bring you joy.

Lemonade, No Lies Told Then and Fighting the Pressure to be Perfect

Being broken doesn't take away from being beautiful and wonderful 

The myth of the perfect woman is one of the most widely told and believed lies that’s also dangerous and likely to cause harm to the psyche. In fact, it goes against every single rule of self-love, self-acceptance and healing. The perfect woman never cries, she never lets her emotions get the better of her; she doesn’t ruffle feathers and she never has moments where she seriously doubts or questions herself. In essence, she’s this put together entity with the ability to go through life without letting heartache affect her or without wanting to yell, scream and smash a few cars with a baseball bat named after a condiment. Here’s the thing though - this woman does not exist, she shouldn’t.

She’s not the ideal we should chase. Perfection is a flawed construct because it does away with self-expression, which is so important if we want to be happy and healthy. As women and people of color the pressure to be perfect is sizable - we have to work twice as hard because we have to jump so much higher to meet the standard. As Black-ish recently tackled,  the pressure to be perfect also comes from the need to represent the minorities since the flaw-flashlight sometimes shines a lot brighter on us than it does on others.

Black women are followed around by the ratchet label and we often try combating it by making sure we’re dangerously perfect. We’ll avoid speaking out, avoid showing emotion even when it heals us and take everything in stride when we’re aching inside. Yes we’re strong, but the expectation of strength is sometimes so unnatural it feels like reaction is a punishable offense to the image of perfection.

Part of our beauty as women is our wonderful ability to be strong without being hardened, to be polished and glorious without being completely without flaws. From the outside we make it look easy, but there are times when we struggle to hold it all together and we allow ourselves to feel everything because it helps us heal. What I appreciate deeply about Lemonade was the celebration of healing through the brokenness by getting in touch with, and diving head first into each and every part of our emotions. When we walk through our emotions the way it was intended, we learn that anger leads to a necessary confrontation with pain which ultimately leads to an acceptance that comes with deeper self-knowledge and a broader capacity to love and appreciate ourselves and others.

I consider myself an advocate for emotion - because it’s never been a bad thing to me. I’ve seen so much healing lost in the “not gon’ cry” narrative, which leaves us with a world of people carrying hurt brimming to the top with no outlet or chance to face it. To be honest, most of us face the dark more than we’ll ever dare to admit, and in these moments - logic isn’t enough. Intuition, denial, anger, apathy and other emotions are needed during our worst times. We can’t accept the view that expressing these emotions in a healthy way is doing too much. Moreover, emotion is the mother of creativity, a fact that quickly dawned on many as Beyonce’s emotional expression whiplashed our senses and feelings last week.

Our protagonist Sandra learns that there’s power in delving in those deep, dark crevices of fears and pains because it brings a level of self-expression that often creates magic. After writing books that many saw as perfect, she writes No Lies Told Then from everything she found in those dark corners and she’s transformed by that outlet. I’ll never accept being told that I have to be perfect to be a good woman because that’s a blatant, disrespectful lie. What perfects me isn’t the ability to emulate a Stepford Wife; what makes me good is the bold knowledge that I’m made powerful by expressing my emotions. This expression won’t always be neat and pretty - sometimes it calls for ugly cries and painful words and I’m more than okay with that. I have no intention to be perfect - I just want to bask in the full experience of being me. As we all grow older we learn that being good doesn’t mean being perfect. It’s a lesson Beyonce is learning with us, and she provides a powerful soundtrack for each lesson.

What Channing Dungey's Appointment Means for ABC (and its viewers)

Diversity has been injected into every Hollywood conversation, and no casting or hiring stone has been left unturned. Every ear and eye is currently focused on the leaders of the entertainment world as the world awaits real change in Hollywood’s lopsided representation of the racial and gender spectrum. For any company, network or brand feeling cornered by public outcry - putting a minority in a position of power is a good fix that can also look like a quick fix.

Minorities question whether these moves are being made on merit alone, or if they are attempts to win them over. Some are of the opinion that appointing a black woman would surely silence the critics so that Hollywood can skirt through and get back to inequality as usual. It can look like a shallow way to solve a deep rooted problem, like changing the shop window display without the changing the products inside the store. There’ve been many appointments that play to this tune - appearing to step towards change but ultimately not moving forward at all. The promotion of Channing Dungey to President of ABC is not one of these appointments.

Why now, some people ask. The unfortunate consequence of being a minority at the moment is that the motivations of hires and appointments are not considered pure or seen as products of real merit and hard work. It’s so easy to see African-Americans who rise in Hollywood as the proverbial band aid on an ugly bloody wound - a view that is equally prejudiced by the way.

In all honesty, ABC needs Channing Dungey right now more than ever. Her appointment is a win for all people who give a damn about the quality of network television. ABC, whose parent company is Disney, is a network so powerful and influential we couldn’t count the households that gather around it every single day. It has a great responsibility to its audiences so it’s only fair for changes to be made when their products start losing their impact and millions of viewers.

When we watch glitzy TV show promos showing Olivia Pope in a fierce red coat, we forget the very evident fact that ABC is in crisis. Scandal has lost its must-see status and millions of women who once saw Olivia Pope as a shining example of #blackgirlmagic are left scratching their heads wondering where she went. How did a character that symbolized feminine strength become a caricatured, cliched shell? How did one of TV’s strongest women become a flip-flop? When we start playing the blame game and pointing our fingers at the creators of the show, we’re also forced to look beyond them to the offices where deals are brokered and TV show plots are approved for broadcast. These are after all the people who make the real decisions about what makes it to our screens.

Ever since Scandal’s early success, and the subsequent conversation about television’s racial spectrum, many networks began racing each other to be the fresh, new provider of a diverse offering. It wasn’t just a race to have characters of color anchoring shows - it was a race to own the media conversation and get the hype that comes with it.

ABC let the hype go to its head and forgot that people weren’t just watching Olivia Pope because she was black, they were watching because she was compelling and black. With the way things have crumbled, it’s become clear that quality factors in the loyalty of people of color.

Dungey’s appointment matters, and not because it’s an interim solution. It matters because it shows that ABC has its ears to the ground and has heard the vibrations of disgruntled viewers, who know they deserve better. She played a key role in the development of Scandal and had a hand in the incredible success of its first seasons. Her promotion is good for the Shondaland show because right now what it needs is a champion to save it. It’s important for ABC because she can put her foot down and steer the network back to its responsibility as a global influencer in entertainment. They’ve seen the crisis and have called in a qualified and capable fixer.